The Birds and The Bees
by nighttime writer
Summary: When Nessie and Jacob are found in a less than ideal situation Bella realizes that it's time for Bella, Edward, and Ness to have "the talk"


Summary: When Nessie and Jacob are found in a less than ideal situation Bella realizes that it's time for Bella, Edward, and Ness to have "the talk"

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::Bella's POV::

To say I was more than a little confused when Edward suddenly stopped kissing me was an understatement. We were at the cottage, which over the years had been added onto, so now it was more a small two-story house rather than a small cottage. It was late and Nessie was sleeping over at the main house and that meant Edward and I were alone. It had been days since we've last been alone and for the most part we tried to be a little restrained in our actions in fear of Nessie waking from sleep and hearing us.

"That stupid dog!" Edward growled with such hatred that even as a vampire I flinched at the intensity of his growl.

"Jacob?" I asked, my thoughts immediately going to our daughter.

By this time he had made it to where his shirt was laying yanking it on so hard that the fabric tore. He gave another growl stalking over to the closet and yanking the first shirt he could find. I myself could barely keep up with his actions as I struggled to find my own shirt and follow after his already retreating back.

"Wait! Edward!" I huffed out running towards my husband who was now walking at an alarmingly human pace towards the main house.

"I'm going to enjoy ripping that little mutt's head off his stupid little mutt body, and put that stupid little puppy…" Edward muttered to himself.

At that moment I questioned my husband's sanity.

"Edward!" I said yanking his arm and whirling him towards me.

He stopped, as if realizing I was with him for the first time since he left the cottage. The look of pre-meditated murder caused his eyes to turn a jet black as he twitched in barely restrained anger.

"What's going on?" I asked, by now my mind swirling to different possibilities.

If Jacob lost his temper Nessie would be able to hold her own. Not to mention that they were in a house full of vampires and I'm sure that none of them would allow Jacob to even think about hurting Nessie. Not to mention that it was 3 in the morning and Jacob should not be anywhere _near_ Nessie!

I growled at the last thought. "Is he over there?" I asked feeling my own eyes turn the same black color as Edward's.

"They were in the woods, probably barely within hearing distance of the house. I bet they didn't know they went far enough for me to hear her thoughts," Edward explained.

Because of Edward's close connection to Nessie he was able to hear her thoughts at a much further distance than anyone else's thoughts.

"They were making out and I could just hear the most _disturbing_ thoughts coming from our daughter's mind. The repulsiveness of it all…I thought I was in Emmett's mind for a second," he said thoroughly disgusted.

"And?" I asked urging him to continue, though by now we were both walking towards the house.

"Jasper was on his way to go hunt and he found them. Apparently a good thing too because the last thought that popped into her head as I was leaving the cottage was there the hell her shirt was."

"What?" I asked surprised, anger flowing through me.

"Oh, that stupid mutt! Taking advantage of our daughter like that," Edward growled out.

He walked briskly towards the front door, giving up half way to run at vampire speed. Jacob was sitting on the couch with Bella besides him looking redder than I thought was possible.

"You horny little mutt!" Edward snarled racing towards Jacob.

I'm pretty sure it was our daughter that saved Jacob's life at that next moment. She saw her father's movement and jumped in front of Jacob who at the moment looked ready to accept the death sentence Edward had warranted.

"Dad stop it!" she yelled pushing Edward back as Edward snapped his teeth at Jacob.

Carlisle grabbed Edward yanking him away from Nessie as I stood dumbfounded as to what to do in the entire situation.

"Stop it Edward, you're going to hurt Nessie!" Carlisle demanded when Edward tried pushing Carlisle out of the way.

I looked over at Nessie who was still standing protectively in front of Jacob. My eyes narrowed when I realized that Jacob was shirtless…and _Nessie_ was wearing _his_ shirt. Before I knew it, I was running towards my best friend ready to slap some sense into him. He was going at it with my five/seventeen year old daughter.

"MOM!" Nessie shrieked as she barely restrained me from taking a bite at her boyfriend.

Emmett ran into the room and yanked me from Nessie pushing me back to where Carlisle was currently restraining Edward.

"Now would be a good time to leave Jacob," Carlisle grunted as he tightened his grip on Edward.

Jacob stood up in a flash leaping for the door. His head was down and he had the decency to look ashamed for what he was caught doing.

"Would you please STOP imagining my daughter naked?" Edward snapped.

Jacob winced and gave an embarrassed smile.

"Sorry Edward," he said sheepishly.

"Not as sorry as you'll be when I get my hands on you, mutt," Edward promised.

"Edward," Carlisle warned again.

Nessie made a move to walk him towards the door but Edward's voice stopped her mid-stride. "Ness, so help me, if you kiss that dog goodnight…"

"God dad!" she shrieked. "You are SO embarrassing!"

Jacob slipped out the front door with a peck on the cheek from Nessie. Once he was gone Nessie whirled around to where Carlisle and Emmett were still holding us back. This time they turned to protect us from a seething Nessie who was stalking towards us as if we were her prey.

"Mom, dad! He's my boyfriend. And you don't even know the entire situation," she started.

"Young lady you will go to you room right now and wait there until your mom and I come up there," I ordered.

"No mom, I'm not done yet," she said stubbornly.

"Rennesme you were done the minute that boy took off your shirt!" Edward yelled. "Your room. NOW!" he barked.

"I hate you!" she shrieked before sprinting up the stairs.

Once she was gone Edward turned towards me with a stunned look on his face. I could see his mind already, somehow blaming all this upon himself.

"That went well," Rose muttered walking into the living room.

Jasper and Alice came out from their hiding spot appearing in the living room. Edward had taken up pacing the living room muttering incoherently to himself.

"Well, you know what we have to do now, right?" I asked him.

"Lock her up. Build a dog house with a lock on the outside and then lure Jacob into it and lock him in there for eternity?" Edward suggested.

"No. I think it's time. We've caught them in very questionable situations before, and she's coming to that age where quite simply Edward, you know how I was at her age," I suggested shuddering at the thought of my little girl wanting to have sex.

"I am not having the talk with my little girl if that's what you're suggesting, Bella."

"You are not making me do it by myself Edward Cullen," I gasped out not even wanting to think about having that talk with her.

"Whoa! TIME OUT!" Nessie said appearing at the top of the stairs, beet red. "No one is having any such talk with me. Sick!"

"Sweetheart," I started gliding up the stairs, yanking Edward with me as I passed by him.

"No!" Edward and Nessie both sputtered out.

"You have to hear this," I tried reasoning.

"Yuck! No I don't!" Nessie said running towards her room and slamming it shut.

"I don't want to give her this talk," Edward said trying to wiggle his arm out of my grasp.

"Fine Edward. But if your daughter gets pregnant with a mutt as the father…" I started walking away knowing that the last thing he wanted was that.

He growled, this time he was yanking me towards our daughter's room.

"So when did your mom give you the sex talk?" I asked jokingly.

"I never got it. 1918 wasn't exactly a time where pre-marital sex was prominent or encouraged," Edward explained.

I stopped walking towards Nessie's room dumbfounded. THAT'S NOT FAIR! Renee gave me the sex talk right after sex education fifth grade. Despite the fact there were few memories I could still remember as a human, that one was awkward enough to pass on through this life.

"Didn't Esme give it to you then?" I asked him.

He shook his head. "Emmett tried giving it to me once."

He cringed at the thought and I nearly burst out laughing. Of all people to attempt the talk the last person I expected was Edward's horniest sibling…no…not expected…I knew was Edward's horniest sibling.

"I'd rather Uncle Emmett gave me the sex talk," I heard Nessie mutter through the close door.

Emmett was up the stairs in a flash an abashed grin on her face. "Don't worry Alice just saw something. It'll be better if I start this," he whispered so lowly that both Edward and I were more reading his lips than listening.

He knocked on the door. "Nessie?"

"Go away!" Nessie yelled from inside.

Everyone in the house winced. It was unnecessary to yell in a house full of vampires.

In response, Emmett opened the door and the three of us all shuffled in. Nessie was currently sitting in a ball on the center of the bed with a horrified look on her face.

I looked over at Edward who looked about ready to bolt as he looked longingly towards the door, which I had closed behind myself.

"Oh my god!" Ness sputtered out burying her head in her hands, hidden between her legs. "No way! You guys have GOT to be kidding me."

"You see Ness. All kids have to have this talk," Emmett reassured her. "This is just as uncomfortable for us. I mean think about Jasper he had to walk in on you two and all the lust…"

"Emmett," Edward warned. "Focus."

Emmett looked up forgetting momentarily what he was there for. "Oh yeah!" he said. He fished for something in his pocket and when he found it he grinned triumphantly before handing whatever it was to Nessie.

Nessie looked down at her hand. It took half a second for her to recognize the small square package and even less than that half-second to fling the thing half way across the room. "SICK!"

"Emmett!" Edward growled now stalking over to where Emmett was sitting at the edge of the bed. He half dragged Emmett out of the room slamming the door behind him.

"I was just making sure she's safe!" Emmett yelled through the closed door.

"Kill me," Ness pleaded looking up at the ceiling.

"Nessie," I started sitting down next to her.

"Mom, I don't want to hear it!"

"But honey, you need to hear it," I reasoned.

"Listen to your mother," Edward added pacing the room.

"You see honey. Sex is…" I started.

"MOM!" Nessie was now clearly begging as her hands flew to her ears absolutely horrified at the very prospect of the talk.

"…a sacred act of love…" I continued ignoring her, but speaking all the more louder.

I could hear the snickers downstairs and I resisted the urge to growl out loud. Edward did it for me.

"Please mom! I was NOT having sex with Jacob. We are not having sex. Please stop!"

"What your mom is trying to say is that you get pregnant when you have sex and then you die," Edward tried.

Both Ness and I rolled our eyes, both mouths hanging open at Edward's horrid and inaccurate attempt to explain sex. It was almost as bad as when our gym teacher talked to us about sex all those years ago. He looked at both of our expressions and then looked away sheepishly. Yes, I was definitely on my own for this one!

"What are you doing with Jacob?" I tried a different approach.

Edward withered down leaning heavily against the wall as he dropped to the ground. He had his hands to his head, his eyes squinting in pain as apparent images flashed through his mind. When Nessie realized what was happening she blushed looking away suddenly interested in Edward's cd collection that he had left at the house.

"Oh sick," Edward finally muttered.

"Dad! That's private!" Ness muttered hiding her face in a pillow.

Just then Jasper entered the room. He looked like he could have been blushing underneath all the pale. "Can you guys stop embarrassing her so much? It's a bit uncomfortable."

"It's a party in here," Ness said picking up her head from the pillow and rolling her eyes.

"Sex is one of the greatest acts of love imaginable Ness," Jasper started.

There was no way I could have ever worded it like that.

"Not you too!" she groaned slamming her face back into the pillow.

"No really! Sex is just an indescribable feeling when done with the right person at the right time," Jasper was on a roll.

Edward and I both nodded in agreement a smile crossing both our faces when our minds wandered over our memories of our first time.

"Please Uncle Jazz, spare me the details," Ness pleaded.

"You have to hear this little lady," Jazz said sympathetically. "What I saw today…" he stopped thinking it over in his head. "I know your parents have raised you to be a fine young lady with morals. I also know that men are weak and can never say no when their mate ask for anything…especially that."

"I love your mom very much, you know that right Nessie?" Edward pitched in.

Ness nodded. "I loved her so much that even when she was human I respected her enough to wait until marriage. What Jasper is trying to say and what we are trying to all say is that if Jacob loves you, which I'm pretty sure the stupid mutt does, he will wait until you are ready."

"And we don't know when that will be. But don't rush it, baby," I finished for Edward.

"There will be plenty of time for that," Jasper stated ignoring Edward's growl.

"For now, just take it easy and make wise decisions," Edward said clasping his hands together.

"Is it over yet?" Ness asked hopeful. "Do you forgive Jacob?"

"Yes, for now it's over and Jacob lives another day." Edward reassured.

"Good because I was afraid you were going to really build him a doghouse!"

--

"Where you going?" I asked Edward.

It was hours after we had the talk with Ness. By now the sun was peeking through the clouds. It was a beautiful day, which usually meant staying in, but Edward was dressed in long sleeves with gloves on, sunglasses, and a hat to cover his face. He had his keys in one hand.

"I'm going to go buy the wood to build Jacob's doghouse and a different lock on Nessie's door," he explained.

Emmett walked into the house just as dressed as Edward. "And I'm going to go buy condoms just in case."

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A/N: Reviews are appreciated.

-Liz


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